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Sunday, March 7, 2010
Now sitting in the ER next tuh mom, i felt almost th same way ; as if my life was a house that had burned down, leaving me on the sidewalk with nothing but the ESSENTIAL dellila. i wasnt my dad's favourite girl anymore. i wasnt going to grow up to be a famous singer/song writer/comper/music producer/entertainment industry's king , like him ; thanks to ********. the odds were pretty good that i wasnt going to grow up at all. i wasnt destiny's child anymore , either, the ordinary hman who could not get hurt by any means frm anyone or everyone. i wasnt his girlfriend ; i had thrown that away , so easily that i myself cannt imagine i could ever, i used to treasure this relationship to every bits as long as i remembered .. but things changed, people changed. i guess ive changed to ulmost somebody else ..; and if ally and all my other bffs were still willing to be pals with me it was more than i deserved. cause i just realised ive been the most ultimate unhuman human being that anyone can ever imagine..
It sounds as if i was depressed, but i had passed through desolation and was in the strange country beyond that, with the burned shell of my old life behind me , i suppose you could say i felt empty, but stripped down would be closer ; clearheaded, too and clear-eyed. All my life it seemed to me , i had USED people. performed for them, charmed and joked and bribed my way into their hearts. ins, instead of myself,i gave them the dellila show, hoping that maybe my thoughtlessness and quick temper and laziness would be forgiven if only the show was funny enough, fast enough. but the audience had left the theater, and the stage lights were going down, no show left. just dellila.
this is everything i noe for sure :
i jump off things. i also jump over things (sometimes) and into them (often) . i have been known to skin my knees. i swish i didnt care about the way i look, but i care alot. i like fresh squeezed orange juice at breakfast and the smell of cooking garlic at dinner. ther's still a vein of unhappiness in my mother that nevers goes away.,that makes me angry and it makes me feel guilty. i hate that i cant fix it but i know that i cannt: and all that being said, it wouldn't kill me to do dishes a couple more times a week. i hate waiting and i hate being scared . i've let a alot of people down, but when i can finally stop thinking about myself, i find i still love them, fiercely. i hate dogs. i cannt wear orange, which just is true for some people, and even when i panic i can usually keep thinking , im told that as a child i was very kind to the kids other people made fun of. i dont remember this, but i do know that my teachers always put me at the table with the foreign exchange students. come to think of it, thts probably how i met ally :D
my name is dellila dheroza and i hate my real name though its real special. my daddy named me a name that only me in this whole wide world own it and i love it but i kindda hate it cause of personal reasons . And i remembered when i was a little girl i tried to eat a red crayon because it was such a beautiful color. if i close my eyes , i can still remember how it was goinna taste . or like that time i jumped off th garage and hurt my ankle i remember sitting in th ER thinking how drastically pain simplifies the world. all your usual thoughts -- hair ,TV, lappies,school, whether people like you and whether you want them to -- all that goes away,. your world shrinks down to the edge of your skin and its just you, the animal.