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` my story . then .
Thursday, September 17, 2009
then :
i just have this feeling . ive been trying to lose it all evening but its persistence is weighing on me. its saturday night and ive been at th library., tryinna disect a 30 secs stint of a Hitchcock flick and write a twenty page paper onit for this class im taking ., tutions . yeas , that was random. i was pretty young then.* age not stated. dw to .
just for beginners. my tutor is an attractive woman , kind of delicate in a petite way . in her ealry forties . who wore black , a few hints of while every now and again and a constant red lipstick. smetimes i notice th color bleeding beyond its normal expectations., fililng in th lines and cracks that extend past th natural acrcs and curves of her mouth and into th age of her tanned skin. she has brown eyes ., unlike most of us who has black or dark browns., and blunted ashy blond hair. she colors it. or atleast someone colors it for her. i can tell that she's got naturally dark hair under there and that fascinates me. such th extreme . a private tutor who credits vanity as a concern. shes very * foreign looking , maybe because she doesnt live in s'pore much. she commutes in order to teach private tuitions to th likes of me in s'pore. i find her unique. and i find her to be way more interesting than th twenty-paper that im supposed to be writing - but its not due actually for another few weeks so its okay.
im cabbing home , i guess home . th uncles ashtray is filled with change and rubber bands he use to tie his hair ( yeah he got a long hair. eugh ) ., or rubber bands his frds use to tie back *their ( eugh?? ) or rubber bands that their frds use to tie back their hair ( EUGGH! ) . ther are a few unpaid parking tickets in his glove compartment and even more cracked CD cases-- no CDs ; they're probably in there somewhere . th plastic attachable coffee tray is cradiling th coffee i picked up that morning on my way to th library. i only took a fw sips. it was really hot . i take my coffee light and sweet . Now at th surface al i can see is white and a few crinkles of tan. i should probably dump that .
so i still have this feeling . which was unusual because i dont usually feel much of anything . i meani feel hot and cold , i feel that delayed rush of pain when i walk into th corner of somthing and stub my toe, but thts pretty much it. i feel angry and scared and sad most of th time, but ive grown so use to it that i just doesnt feel much of anything anymore. thts why this is such a strange night.
'cause i have this feeling.
i feel like i want to rip my seat belt off. its not like theres a seat belt law though theres one ., but oneof th only automatic things abt cabbies is th seat belt . it zips around, passes right infront of my face, th minute i sat back and th car hit th road, it feels confining suddenly now that im on th road, but if i try to rip off im sure i'll get into an accident. so instead
i roll down th window . all th way , urging th long-haired-uncle-taxi-driver to drive real fast., on a cold autumn evening on s'pore highway.
th wind filled th car and it doesnt make me cold. it makes me certain. certain of this something. so far all thi timei could count on just feeling cold, well now i feel only this feeling that tells me something's wrong. And ofcourse i know that everything is wrong.
but now something in my everything is definetely wrong .
instead of going home like im supposed to , again i urged th cabbie driver to drive past my street and make a left on *****. no one is around, really. th leaves on th oak trees are missing, too. and their wickery wiry branches have turned them into skeletons.
i live near my school. a few stranglers were out walking their dogs ; i can see them coming through th trees. its saturday night, so random weather-coated cares piled high with friends picking someone up or dropping someone off. thts when i realise,. im alone. all alone. without him. i dont have my watch anymore but i bet its around eleven. and as i get closer and closer to his place., i can feel my heart beating. it isint beating fast. its beating louud. and im careful to shut my emptiness off a few houses shy of his.
everything looks normal. th house is dark. ***** and his roomate , Fred are always drinking by eight. its a big house for just two guys. ***** lives on th high high floor . so i just sit there. down at his block's park., in th dark. hoping that whtever it is thts drawing me to his house will subside now that im here. but instead,
its getting worse every time i open my eyes and absorb th scenery..
i HAD to go inside. if i dont., i know something this dread will combust. like an ache that has been shimmering .somewhat like fear but more like truth.
i dont have a key anymore. ( i lost it on purpose , in front of him , so he'd believe me .)
But i figure he probably left something open. i know how he hates to carry
much of anything. afraid he'll lose his keys like me , i guess. we worked it out that i'd
be at th library and go to bed early tonight. and that i'd sleep at my place cause he'd be
coming home late and didint want to wake me.
liar..
its been a few minutes and i just have to go in. th fear.,, th truth , is getting really loud and begining to hurt . i hugged myself cozy in my navy bubble jacket. its warmand downfilled.
( i missed my dad. )
it gives me a slight comfor as i walk up th driveway and around th back to th sliding glass doors in th kitchen. its so dead quiet . i can hear th gravel and then th grass beneath my shoes. reminds me of rice krispies in th morning..
th door is unlocked. i was right. i like that i was right :) th house is so still and quiet and dark. i leave th door open a bit behind me. his neighbour , a quiet guy , has his TV on upstairs., andthat bit of ight is just enough to allow me to se where im going. my insides are amplified. im not sure what i'll find., if anything at all. im not sure abt wht i wanna find., if anything at all..i jst noe smth is wrong and that something bad might or might not happen i have to see it or not to see it. my gut is emerging from th inside out and is in complete control.
his bron leather bomber jacket that i gave him for his bday last year is handing over one of th mismatcched chairs in his kitchen. he looked so gorgey in that jacket, ( what ?? i gave him ) . i put my fingers on th collar and felt it, its cold. hes here. in th house. i grab it and take it withme as i walk down th hallway toweard his room.
im getting really thirsty and really sweaty . my throat begins to stick together and for a second i cannt find my air.
my eyelids feel very heavy and each time i blinked i feels as though tons of weights are being added.
my heart was screaming aloud slowly..
im awareof my body, of my mind, and of what im doing and where im traveling at this very moment. im my own witness. i stretch my right arm out infront of me and hold his cold jacket to my heart with my left. i find th door and rest my fingertips on its rough wood surface.i can feel th dip and splintering and th small tears in th surface., remembering quickly how they arrived there th week or month before.
i hear nothing. .
my brains told my fingers to apply a small bit of pressure to th door while i just watch.
my body leans forward and my wide eyes peered in. i see nothing. i reach for ht light and flick it on. still nothing.
im relieved and disappointed and im tired..
show's over.
day's over.
i decided to crash.
i grabbed his seats tht are hanging from th top corner of his closet door and put them on. i still love wearing his sweats.they are so so so big and sloppy and worn all th way through.
they made me feel sweet.
i can imagine him damn happy to see me sleeping in his bed when he gets home. i swiched off th light and bundle myself under his covers andbacktrack to my suspiciosns.
'neeah' i thought to myself..
its still so quiet. anin a house this big its scary. hes filthy rich. i reach for th remote on th end table and turned on th television. th noise was immediate and shocking and i scurry to find mute.
and in th next second i heard a thump from above and then a scuffle and a thumb and before i can think i bolt out of bed., down th hallway , up th stairs and down another hallway. im taken abck by th slamming and then a lock on Fred's bedroom door.
without thought ;
i shouted; "hey ??"
nothing.
"hey??!"
NOTHING.
"FRED??"
N O T H I N G.
i started pounding on th door.
N O T H I N G.
pounding.
N O T H I N G .
again i watch as i pound and kick th door. i listen as i shout, fearlessly, ' open th door *****...open it, NOW !!'
N O T H I N G.
" im not going to move ., i wont ever leave this door" i said. " so open it.. NOW ! " i cry.
i stood there with my back to th wall. whimpering , exhaustiong three years in th making., purging itself,
i relinquish my strength and slide down with my legs outstretched and then finally my chin to my chest., my hands over my eyes.
i hear whispers and more movement but i dont get up till i hear slow heavy footsteps coming toward me. Nearly transfixed , i watch th knob of th door make a careful semicircle and by th time i look up, theres ***** filling th doorway in boxers and an awarkward smile from ear to ear.
"whtcha doing here baby ? u mad ?? look th time now., its over ur curfew ??" he ssaid..
hes sooo big and so tall and sooo wide that thers no view behind him . but i noe someone is in there.
i know this because he was nervous and poliete. poliete for him. had he been alone or among friends he would easily skipped th small talk and gotten down to it .
i jst look into his eyes. small in comparison to mine. my shoulders hunched over. my head heavy on my neck, tilting back. he just smiles and laughs and shakes his head frm side to side. its always in this, th middle , where i try to break through and summon thgirl i was when we first met and come to my senses . and i find her all right, but instead of leaving , fast and furious, she rages , forgets her size, forgets her strength and allows th misery , anguish , and desperation to anchor her.
its in this split second that i hear "her" - a new voice but always th same. and quickly , as he looks behind him., i seizeth moment to rush under his arm and through th door and there she was, covered only by th covers , and an expressionless expression.
i heard nth., but yelling. i went perenoid. only heard words that dont sound like much of anything., and then my head bangs quickly aganist th old wood floor and im out and its peaceful.
th slamming of a door wakes me. i wakes me seconds before a hard kick to my side startles me. i dont get up quickly enough for him and so he lifts me., abruptly with his two hands and two thumbs carving through through each of my underarms. as i open my eyes i see him move away from me. away frm me as i slammed into th wall i dnt even realise its behind me. then im coming toward him and then rushed back again and agan back into th wall.
over and over again.
theres yelling that i still cannt make out.
he made me stand up straight with my back against th wall, and he got angrier and angrier with me. i dont have enough energy to hold myself up and as i began to fall , he grabs my hair to make sure that i stay still. but i can feel th tiny hairs breaking from their roots and i know he can, too. so hes lets me loose and i again fall to th floor.
i can feel th moist warm mist of his body hit my face and roll down on me. his shirt gets into my eye and slide down my face. he gets exasperated because i still have no fighting words for him and yet i can still look at him as he screams and shouts. i lie there fighting not to close my eyes ; im afraid this time that they'll never open ..
look at him. LOOK th fuck at him. all i can think abt is him.
theres silence and hes gone. my brain tells my arms to help me up but it doesnt listen. my brain tells my head to move frm side to side but it doesnt listen. and then there's cold water. icey cold prickly water all over me. i looked up at him and saw his expression ; afraid. and very scared.
waiting for me to react. and i did. its fucking cold. and i loved it. i loved th water. i was thankful for it.
and i must be smiling cause his face softens and looked like hes almost into tears but trying his best to shield it all to spoil his victory over me. for a time i havent disappeared . he then lifted me back up., and carries me down th stairs and places me in his bed. he put th television on., tucks me in. i felt cold. then i felt freezing. my top was soaked and all in all., stained with blood frm my mouth and nose.
i wiped them off, hoping it stopped gushing out. i slept a heavy sleep., waking uo forgetful of th night before untill i tried to move and th extreme pain everyinch frm my body retreived. i cocked my had to th side and saw him. hes white as his teeth. perly whites we used to call 'em. and its obvious that he diidnt slept and had been watching me for th whole time. for th whole night . who noes. his deep green eyes bloodshot and swollen.
' im so sorry love''
i said nothing. its amazing., a night before., i'd gave up anything to hear that phrase frm that man . but now, i felt nothing. i felt pain.nausous. deadly.
he laid his head on my stomach and weeps. and wept. but im still really out of it. im outt here i thought.
ive got enough of this shit. im too toughed up to be angry just yet.
im too worn out for a discussion. which is usually how it goes.
" i panicked last night. i thought for sure you would leave me. i lost control and look what i did to u. bby., u bled.
im sorry love, im so sorry.. *weeps.
i love you sound. its because i loves u soo much,love. please forgive me. dont leave me please. i beggs u . please. im sorry. im sorry.im sorry. please dont leave me.. "
i lied back on th pillow and turned my head away .
urging myself to believe what i saw and what had been playing on my mind all these while since i woke up is nothing but a dream. he wept harder. and he wept. all th while holding both of my hands in th shape of a prayer. and he wept.. he wept...
i just have this feeling . ive been trying to lose it all evening but its persistence is weighing on me. its saturday night and ive been at th library., tryinna disect a 30 secs stint of a Hitchcock flick and write a twenty page paper onit for this class im taking ., tutions . yeas , that was random. i was pretty young then.* age not stated. dw to .
just for beginners. my tutor is an attractive woman , kind of delicate in a petite way . in her ealry forties . who wore black , a few hints of while every now and again and a constant red lipstick. smetimes i notice th color bleeding beyond its normal expectations., fililng in th lines and cracks that extend past th natural acrcs and curves of her mouth and into th age of her tanned skin. she has brown eyes ., unlike most of us who has black or dark browns., and blunted ashy blond hair. she colors it. or atleast someone colors it for her. i can tell that she's got naturally dark hair under there and that fascinates me. such th extreme . a private tutor who credits vanity as a concern. shes very * foreign looking , maybe because she doesnt live in s'pore much. she commutes in order to teach private tuitions to th likes of me in s'pore. i find her unique. and i find her to be way more interesting than th twenty-paper that im supposed to be writing - but its not due actually for another few weeks so its okay.
im cabbing home , i guess home . th uncles ashtray is filled with change and rubber bands he use to tie his hair ( yeah he got a long hair. eugh ) ., or rubber bands his frds use to tie back *their ( eugh?? ) or rubber bands that their frds use to tie back their hair ( EUGGH! ) . ther are a few unpaid parking tickets in his glove compartment and even more cracked CD cases-- no CDs ; they're probably in there somewhere . th plastic attachable coffee tray is cradiling th coffee i picked up that morning on my way to th library. i only took a fw sips. it was really hot . i take my coffee light and sweet . Now at th surface al i can see is white and a few crinkles of tan. i should probably dump that .
so i still have this feeling . which was unusual because i dont usually feel much of anything . i meani feel hot and cold , i feel that delayed rush of pain when i walk into th corner of somthing and stub my toe, but thts pretty much it. i feel angry and scared and sad most of th time, but ive grown so use to it that i just doesnt feel much of anything anymore. thts why this is such a strange night.
'cause i have this feeling.
i feel like i want to rip my seat belt off. its not like theres a seat belt law though theres one ., but oneof th only automatic things abt cabbies is th seat belt . it zips around, passes right infront of my face, th minute i sat back and th car hit th road, it feels confining suddenly now that im on th road, but if i try to rip off im sure i'll get into an accident. so instead
i roll down th window . all th way , urging th long-haired-uncle-taxi-driver to drive real fast., on a cold autumn evening on s'pore highway.
th wind filled th car and it doesnt make me cold. it makes me certain. certain of this something. so far all thi timei could count on just feeling cold, well now i feel only this feeling that tells me something's wrong. And ofcourse i know that everything is wrong.
but now something in my everything is definetely wrong .
instead of going home like im supposed to , again i urged th cabbie driver to drive past my street and make a left on *****. no one is around, really. th leaves on th oak trees are missing, too. and their wickery wiry branches have turned them into skeletons.
i live near my school. a few stranglers were out walking their dogs ; i can see them coming through th trees. its saturday night, so random weather-coated cares piled high with friends picking someone up or dropping someone off. thts when i realise,. im alone. all alone. without him. i dont have my watch anymore but i bet its around eleven. and as i get closer and closer to his place., i can feel my heart beating. it isint beating fast. its beating louud. and im careful to shut my emptiness off a few houses shy of his.
everything looks normal. th house is dark. ***** and his roomate , Fred are always drinking by eight. its a big house for just two guys. ***** lives on th high high floor . so i just sit there. down at his block's park., in th dark. hoping that whtever it is thts drawing me to his house will subside now that im here. but instead,
its getting worse every time i open my eyes and absorb th scenery..
i HAD to go inside. if i dont., i know something this dread will combust. like an ache that has been shimmering .somewhat like fear but more like truth.
i dont have a key anymore. ( i lost it on purpose , in front of him , so he'd believe me .)
But i figure he probably left something open. i know how he hates to carry
much of anything. afraid he'll lose his keys like me , i guess. we worked it out that i'd
be at th library and go to bed early tonight. and that i'd sleep at my place cause he'd be
coming home late and didint want to wake me.
liar..
its been a few minutes and i just have to go in. th fear.,, th truth , is getting really loud and begining to hurt . i hugged myself cozy in my navy bubble jacket. its warmand downfilled.
( i missed my dad. )
it gives me a slight comfor as i walk up th driveway and around th back to th sliding glass doors in th kitchen. its so dead quiet . i can hear th gravel and then th grass beneath my shoes. reminds me of rice krispies in th morning..
th door is unlocked. i was right. i like that i was right :) th house is so still and quiet and dark. i leave th door open a bit behind me. his neighbour , a quiet guy , has his TV on upstairs., andthat bit of ight is just enough to allow me to se where im going. my insides are amplified. im not sure what i'll find., if anything at all. im not sure abt wht i wanna find., if anything at all..i jst noe smth is wrong and that something bad might or might not happen i have to see it or not to see it. my gut is emerging from th inside out and is in complete control.
his bron leather bomber jacket that i gave him for his bday last year is handing over one of th mismatcched chairs in his kitchen. he looked so gorgey in that jacket, ( what ?? i gave him ) . i put my fingers on th collar and felt it, its cold. hes here. in th house. i grab it and take it withme as i walk down th hallway toweard his room.
im getting really thirsty and really sweaty . my throat begins to stick together and for a second i cannt find my air.
my eyelids feel very heavy and each time i blinked i feels as though tons of weights are being added.
my heart was screaming aloud slowly..
im awareof my body, of my mind, and of what im doing and where im traveling at this very moment. im my own witness. i stretch my right arm out infront of me and hold his cold jacket to my heart with my left. i find th door and rest my fingertips on its rough wood surface.i can feel th dip and splintering and th small tears in th surface., remembering quickly how they arrived there th week or month before.
i hear nothing. .
my brains told my fingers to apply a small bit of pressure to th door while i just watch.
my body leans forward and my wide eyes peered in. i see nothing. i reach for ht light and flick it on. still nothing.
im relieved and disappointed and im tired..
show's over.
day's over.
i decided to crash.
i grabbed his seats tht are hanging from th top corner of his closet door and put them on. i still love wearing his sweats.they are so so so big and sloppy and worn all th way through.
they made me feel sweet.
i can imagine him damn happy to see me sleeping in his bed when he gets home. i swiched off th light and bundle myself under his covers andbacktrack to my suspiciosns.
'neeah' i thought to myself..
its still so quiet. anin a house this big its scary. hes filthy rich. i reach for th remote on th end table and turned on th television. th noise was immediate and shocking and i scurry to find mute.
and in th next second i heard a thump from above and then a scuffle and a thumb and before i can think i bolt out of bed., down th hallway , up th stairs and down another hallway. im taken abck by th slamming and then a lock on Fred's bedroom door.
without thought ;
i shouted; "hey ??"
nothing.
"hey??!"
NOTHING.
"FRED??"
N O T H I N G.
i started pounding on th door.
N O T H I N G.
pounding.
N O T H I N G .
again i watch as i pound and kick th door. i listen as i shout, fearlessly, ' open th door *****...open it, NOW !!'
N O T H I N G.
" im not going to move ., i wont ever leave this door" i said. " so open it.. NOW ! " i cry.
i stood there with my back to th wall. whimpering , exhaustiong three years in th making., purging itself,
i relinquish my strength and slide down with my legs outstretched and then finally my chin to my chest., my hands over my eyes.
i hear whispers and more movement but i dont get up till i hear slow heavy footsteps coming toward me. Nearly transfixed , i watch th knob of th door make a careful semicircle and by th time i look up, theres ***** filling th doorway in boxers and an awarkward smile from ear to ear.
"whtcha doing here baby ? u mad ?? look th time now., its over ur curfew ??" he ssaid..
hes sooo big and so tall and sooo wide that thers no view behind him . but i noe someone is in there.
i know this because he was nervous and poliete. poliete for him. had he been alone or among friends he would easily skipped th small talk and gotten down to it .
i jst look into his eyes. small in comparison to mine. my shoulders hunched over. my head heavy on my neck, tilting back. he just smiles and laughs and shakes his head frm side to side. its always in this, th middle , where i try to break through and summon thgirl i was when we first met and come to my senses . and i find her all right, but instead of leaving , fast and furious, she rages , forgets her size, forgets her strength and allows th misery , anguish , and desperation to anchor her.
its in this split second that i hear "her" - a new voice but always th same. and quickly , as he looks behind him., i seizeth moment to rush under his arm and through th door and there she was, covered only by th covers , and an expressionless expression.
i heard nth., but yelling. i went perenoid. only heard words that dont sound like much of anything., and then my head bangs quickly aganist th old wood floor and im out and its peaceful.
th slamming of a door wakes me. i wakes me seconds before a hard kick to my side startles me. i dont get up quickly enough for him and so he lifts me., abruptly with his two hands and two thumbs carving through through each of my underarms. as i open my eyes i see him move away from me. away frm me as i slammed into th wall i dnt even realise its behind me. then im coming toward him and then rushed back again and agan back into th wall.
over and over again.
theres yelling that i still cannt make out.
he made me stand up straight with my back against th wall, and he got angrier and angrier with me. i dont have enough energy to hold myself up and as i began to fall , he grabs my hair to make sure that i stay still. but i can feel th tiny hairs breaking from their roots and i know he can, too. so hes lets me loose and i again fall to th floor.
i can feel th moist warm mist of his body hit my face and roll down on me. his shirt gets into my eye and slide down my face. he gets exasperated because i still have no fighting words for him and yet i can still look at him as he screams and shouts. i lie there fighting not to close my eyes ; im afraid this time that they'll never open ..
look at him. LOOK th fuck at him. all i can think abt is him.
theres silence and hes gone. my brain tells my arms to help me up but it doesnt listen. my brain tells my head to move frm side to side but it doesnt listen. and then there's cold water. icey cold prickly water all over me. i looked up at him and saw his expression ; afraid. and very scared.
waiting for me to react. and i did. its fucking cold. and i loved it. i loved th water. i was thankful for it.
and i must be smiling cause his face softens and looked like hes almost into tears but trying his best to shield it all to spoil his victory over me. for a time i havent disappeared . he then lifted me back up., and carries me down th stairs and places me in his bed. he put th television on., tucks me in. i felt cold. then i felt freezing. my top was soaked and all in all., stained with blood frm my mouth and nose.
i wiped them off, hoping it stopped gushing out. i slept a heavy sleep., waking uo forgetful of th night before untill i tried to move and th extreme pain everyinch frm my body retreived. i cocked my had to th side and saw him. hes white as his teeth. perly whites we used to call 'em. and its obvious that he diidnt slept and had been watching me for th whole time. for th whole night . who noes. his deep green eyes bloodshot and swollen.
' im so sorry love''
i said nothing. its amazing., a night before., i'd gave up anything to hear that phrase frm that man . but now, i felt nothing. i felt pain.nausous. deadly.
he laid his head on my stomach and weeps. and wept. but im still really out of it. im outt here i thought.
ive got enough of this shit. im too toughed up to be angry just yet.
im too worn out for a discussion. which is usually how it goes.
" i panicked last night. i thought for sure you would leave me. i lost control and look what i did to u. bby., u bled.
im sorry love, im so sorry.. *weeps.
i love you sound. its because i loves u soo much,love. please forgive me. dont leave me please. i beggs u . please. im sorry. im sorry.im sorry. please dont leave me.. "
i lied back on th pillow and turned my head away .
urging myself to believe what i saw and what had been playing on my mind all these while since i woke up is nothing but a dream. he wept harder. and he wept. all th while holding both of my hands in th shape of a prayer. and he wept.. he wept...